Hobson's Choice
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Grief wears on
Every night we say a blessing. We go to our front door and say goodnight to the world. We say goodnight and thank you to all the things we have enjoyed during the day. Tonight was the first night Eleanor added ideas of her own ("hide and seek" and "outside").
Then we say our blessing:
Bless all those we love,
those here and those gone before us,
and keep us well and happy.
Amen.
The prayer has been particularly hard to say since the miscarriage, since we have added another to our list of "those gone." Every night, Chris and I choke up.
Tonight, after we said the blessing, Eleanor looked at us and said, "Baby."
"Yes," we told her, "Mommy and Daddy were thinking about the baby."
"Mommy sad."
"Mommy is sad because the baby can't come to live with us."
Long pause.
"Someday."
"Yes, someday, a new baby will come to live with us."
Long pause.
"Come today."
"We wish the baby could come to live with us today," Chris told her, "Someday, a new baby will come live us when we are all ready."
Neither of us had talked with her about having another baby someday. It's astonishing how her mind begins to work in the way of the human race; she begins to think like us. She moves out of infancy.
7:48 p.m. - 2004-06-22
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