Hobson's Choice
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control
It's fascinating what tiny pieces of control do for Eleanor's outlook. If she's not wanting a nap but realizes that she is on the inevitable mommy-induced nap trajectory, one small choice will allow her to take that nap in peace. Insisting on having her sweatshirt taken off, adding or subtracting a stuffed animal to the bed, getting an extra hug, these can all sometimes reconcile herself to her lack of control over her environment.
I imagine that I may be on a downward spiral, where more and more demands turn into stalling turn into no nap. And I can hear parents of an earlier generation telling me that I'm letting her get away with too much, letting her control me.
I'm not sure. Working with Hospice a couple of year ago, I got lessons in how important control is to us, how much we long to be able to hold our environment in check. Old people often stop eating or eat strangely because it becomes the one thing they can control. Making it possible for people to have control over some aspects of their lives means that they may not need to take harmful control; they may not get shoved up against a wall where the only control they can take hurts themselves.
I hope that by giving Eleanor small choices, we live together in more peace. Many days are spent giving her an illusion of choice, an illusion of control. I don't care if she has a Ritz or a graham cracker, so I offer the choice, knowing that I then might not have to fight the battle of sitting in the stroller on the way to the park (which I do care about).
I need to remind myself that choosing between two kind of crackers does represent a real element of control for her, a source of pride and independence.
I guess I'm waffling because we took her to a wedding last night, and she did not sit like a quiet demure angel in a dress at the reception, but ran around and played peek-a-boo and found piles of dirt. There was some disapproval from a couple of generations up that "she has a mind of her own." I haven't broken her will yet. But I guess I don't particularly care if she is demure so long as she is kind, respectful and human to everyone, including me and Chris.
And she was.
1:05 p.m. - 2004-03-21
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